I must admit it: I have never been even close to falling in love. At the moment, I dont even LIKE anyone. I don't even have the slightest hint of a kiddy-crush on ANYONE. I admit, there are some boys at my school that I would love to get to know better (if you know what i mean) but unfortunately they are all taken, and none of them seem to want anything to do with me.
The last time I REALLY liked someone was freshman year, or perhaps the summer after that. In fact, I think it might have trickled over to part of sophomore year as well, but only slightly. I grew up a lot sophomore year. This boy that I liked freshman year is still one of my really good friends and we hang out often. However, his girlfriend is my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I dont have the slightest bit of feelings for this boy anymore. Nevertheless, it's odd how things work out.
My freshman year, I thought I was completely in love with him. I thought I'd die if I didn't get a chance to go out with him. However, I didn't ever LOVE him. I just thought I did. Sure, he's a nice guy (most of the time...) and he's funny and a good friend, but there's just nothing special about him. And besides, when I finally admitted that I liked him, he treated me like crap about it.
Sophomore year is when my tiny little 3-month relationship began. October 26th was the date, and I thought I really liked the boy. However, now that I look back on it, I never even liked him at all. He's a nice friend, but he is not my type and he's definitely not the kind of guy I would really want to date. The truth is, we only dated because we both wanted a realtionship in general. We didn't necessarily want a relationship with each other.
The point of this post is to show you all that immature high schoolers (and middle schoolers...) may THINK they're in love, they may THINK they truly like someone, but in reality they DON'T.
It makes me think: will I EVER be in love?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
FUCK EVERYONE.
I HATE EVERYONE.
yesterday was supposed to be a FUN day. i was supposed to have fun at disneyland with my two best friends. but of course, the subject of "twilight" came up, and it made me sick as always. they even teased me about it. they said, "let's tape her eyelids open and make her watch "new moon" when we get home!" IT'S NOT A JOKE TO ME.
in the car, the subject came up again. i said, "god, i seriously can't STAND those books...i think it's seriously a problem. i need a doctor." i was partially joking, but my best friend said, "yeah... you seriously do."
and when we got home, they started talking more about those horrid books/films. finally, i started crying. i spilled out everything:
"the weirdest people at our school have boyfriends!! the ugliest, meanest, stupidest, sluttiest, and/or most annoying people at our school ALL have boyfriends. yet somehow, I DON'T! i just don't get it. i think the reason i hate twilight so much is because it's a love story, and i feel as though i'll never have that."
my BEST friend was completely silent. my other best friend (the logical mom-type) coached me through it. she says,
"that sounds like depression to me. i think the "twilight" thing is an OCD thing. i think you need to talk to your mom about it and maybe see a doctor. just have a conversation with mom about it because she needs to be worried cause you're not happy. and if you can't figure things out, maybe you should get that checked out."
the silent friend remained silent and even sounded mad the rest of the night. i say, "are you okay?" she says, "yeah...are YOU okay?" and i say, "yeah...you sound mad." she says, "no." quietly.
they fall asleep, i stay up unable to sleep for hours. i cry constantly. the next morning, i feel better. i feel fine. but my friends now know things that i never wanted them to.
WHY AM I SO STUPID?? WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE EVERYTHING. now they're gonna tell everyone else and everyone will think that i like attention. great.
I HATE YOU.
yesterday was supposed to be a FUN day. i was supposed to have fun at disneyland with my two best friends. but of course, the subject of "twilight" came up, and it made me sick as always. they even teased me about it. they said, "let's tape her eyelids open and make her watch "new moon" when we get home!" IT'S NOT A JOKE TO ME.
in the car, the subject came up again. i said, "god, i seriously can't STAND those books...i think it's seriously a problem. i need a doctor." i was partially joking, but my best friend said, "yeah... you seriously do."
and when we got home, they started talking more about those horrid books/films. finally, i started crying. i spilled out everything:
"the weirdest people at our school have boyfriends!! the ugliest, meanest, stupidest, sluttiest, and/or most annoying people at our school ALL have boyfriends. yet somehow, I DON'T! i just don't get it. i think the reason i hate twilight so much is because it's a love story, and i feel as though i'll never have that."
my BEST friend was completely silent. my other best friend (the logical mom-type) coached me through it. she says,
"that sounds like depression to me. i think the "twilight" thing is an OCD thing. i think you need to talk to your mom about it and maybe see a doctor. just have a conversation with mom about it because she needs to be worried cause you're not happy. and if you can't figure things out, maybe you should get that checked out."
the silent friend remained silent and even sounded mad the rest of the night. i say, "are you okay?" she says, "yeah...are YOU okay?" and i say, "yeah...you sound mad." she says, "no." quietly.
they fall asleep, i stay up unable to sleep for hours. i cry constantly. the next morning, i feel better. i feel fine. but my friends now know things that i never wanted them to.
WHY AM I SO STUPID?? WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE EVERYTHING. now they're gonna tell everyone else and everyone will think that i like attention. great.
I HATE YOU.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
of course this would happen.
i'm in a horrible love/hate relationship with high school.
i admit, i love most parts of it. i love the assemblies, the football games, the crazy choir adventures, the friends, the excitement, even the drama is fun to look back and laugh at.
however, i simply can't stand some parts of high school.
today i wake up. i look in the mirror. i stare. i think "is this the face of a beautiful girl?" i look again. technically, it is. i've got the eyes, the smile, the golden hair. in most teenage girl novels, the ugly girl always envies the blonde-haired blue-eyed girl. i look again. how am i not noticed?
i look again. i realize: in modern-day high school life, i am not the pretty girl. my eyebrows aren't plucked properly. i have a few zits. my hair isn't silky enough, yet my bangs are a tad greasy. i'm not wearing makeup. i'm not wearing earrings. my lips are chapped. i could shed a few pounds, and maybe my face wouldnt be so chubby.
i open my closet. i think, "if i were getting ready for school right now, what would i pick out to wear?" i look at the clothes. i realize: there's nothing in here that would actually flatter my body type. none of the clothes in here are stylish enough. i dont have the skanky cleavage-bearing shirts or the raunchy ass-bearing shortshorts. my every day attire: jeans. a t-shirt. probably a sweatshirt since i have an incredibly low tolerance for cold temperatures. if i'm feeling daring, i'll wear a cute top. yet still, same old jeans, same old sandals.
i remind myself of chicago, when my friends insisted on helping me improve myself so that i could get noticed like i want. at the time, i had appreciated all their amazing advice. ten minutes later, it got out of control. remembering that makes me feel sick. i never want to think about that night again.
i wish to be like them, all perfect flawless features and darling clothes in all their closets. i envy their ability to do hair and makeup every single morning like its as simple as brushing your teeth. every time i try to do those things, i end up freaking out and messing it up. i recruit my mother to do it for me, and despise the job she does. i suppose neither of us were born with the hair gene.
is this what high school is supposed to be about? are all the girls supposed to be madeover skanked up bitches? i look at all my friends and realize that they are all wearing excessive amounts of make up, their hair is different every day, their clothes are fashionable and they don't wear jeans and sweatshirts every day. am i the oddball? when someone mentions me, do others think "oh yeah...THAT girl...the ugly one."
i constantly complain to my friends that i'm not pretty enough, and they yell at me and say "of course you're pretty, katie." yet they don't seem to know the definition of pretty these days.
will i ever find a guy who doesnt care that i dont wear makeup? one who doesnt care what clothes i wear or how i do my hair? won't there ever be a guy who can love me for my raw natural beauty? or better yet, the beauty underneath the skin?
i sigh and remember that nowadays there's no such thing as a decent man.
i admit, i love most parts of it. i love the assemblies, the football games, the crazy choir adventures, the friends, the excitement, even the drama is fun to look back and laugh at.
however, i simply can't stand some parts of high school.
today i wake up. i look in the mirror. i stare. i think "is this the face of a beautiful girl?" i look again. technically, it is. i've got the eyes, the smile, the golden hair. in most teenage girl novels, the ugly girl always envies the blonde-haired blue-eyed girl. i look again. how am i not noticed?
i look again. i realize: in modern-day high school life, i am not the pretty girl. my eyebrows aren't plucked properly. i have a few zits. my hair isn't silky enough, yet my bangs are a tad greasy. i'm not wearing makeup. i'm not wearing earrings. my lips are chapped. i could shed a few pounds, and maybe my face wouldnt be so chubby.
i open my closet. i think, "if i were getting ready for school right now, what would i pick out to wear?" i look at the clothes. i realize: there's nothing in here that would actually flatter my body type. none of the clothes in here are stylish enough. i dont have the skanky cleavage-bearing shirts or the raunchy ass-bearing shortshorts. my every day attire: jeans. a t-shirt. probably a sweatshirt since i have an incredibly low tolerance for cold temperatures. if i'm feeling daring, i'll wear a cute top. yet still, same old jeans, same old sandals.
i remind myself of chicago, when my friends insisted on helping me improve myself so that i could get noticed like i want. at the time, i had appreciated all their amazing advice. ten minutes later, it got out of control. remembering that makes me feel sick. i never want to think about that night again.
i wish to be like them, all perfect flawless features and darling clothes in all their closets. i envy their ability to do hair and makeup every single morning like its as simple as brushing your teeth. every time i try to do those things, i end up freaking out and messing it up. i recruit my mother to do it for me, and despise the job she does. i suppose neither of us were born with the hair gene.
is this what high school is supposed to be about? are all the girls supposed to be madeover skanked up bitches? i look at all my friends and realize that they are all wearing excessive amounts of make up, their hair is different every day, their clothes are fashionable and they don't wear jeans and sweatshirts every day. am i the oddball? when someone mentions me, do others think "oh yeah...THAT girl...the ugly one."
i constantly complain to my friends that i'm not pretty enough, and they yell at me and say "of course you're pretty, katie." yet they don't seem to know the definition of pretty these days.
will i ever find a guy who doesnt care that i dont wear makeup? one who doesnt care what clothes i wear or how i do my hair? won't there ever be a guy who can love me for my raw natural beauty? or better yet, the beauty underneath the skin?
i sigh and remember that nowadays there's no such thing as a decent man.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
wwdkal
WWDKAL: "What We Don't Know About Love"
My freshman year of high school or sometime around that, my best friend and I decided to write a collaborative story together (since both of us were aspiring authors). I remember, we were sitting on her roof chatting about writing, and trying to come up with new story ideas, and all of a sudden we just started blabbing away about a story we could write together called "What We Don't Know About Love". The story was supposed to be about two teenage girls who were trying to deal with boys and the messed-up "relationships" that people develop in high school.
That girl and I are no longer friends. In fact, we stopped talking right around last year. She chose some other path and found new friends and simply stopped talking with me. I guess she just didn't want to be associated with me. In fact, I recently asked her why we hadn't talked in so long and she told me that there simply was no reason.
But recently I reread our WWDKAL story and it made me laugh. How in the hell could we, stupid teenage girls, possibly think we knew all the difficulties and complexities of love at the age of 14 or 15? Now that I'm almost 17 (or will be in June, anyway), I realize how stupid I was being back then.
What is love? How am I to know? Will I ever know? I'm only a teenager, and I don't think love comes easily for people my age. Perhaps the occassional serious relationship will come along for highschoolers, however I don't actually think people my age can really know what love is unless they find "the one" before graduation.
So far I've come to this conclusion: BOYS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, I'm not gonna turn all lesbian on you guys. (Even though some friends seem to "seriously think Katie might be bi" << her exact words...). I'm not in any way attracted to girls, it's just that boys make me want to scream with anger.
In my 16 1/2 years of life, I've had ONE boyfriend. While my other friend, who is almost exactly my age, has had at least six. Maybe even seven. I lost count. This confuses me, seeing as how this girl and I are EXACTLY alike in every way. We have the exact same personalities (except for the fact that she is WAY nicer than I am). In fact, we could be twins if we looked the same...and HEY!! That's when I realized it! WE DON'T LOOK THE SAME! I'm hideous compared to this girl. And that, my friends, is the reason why guys tend to be obsessive over her and seem to fear the sight of me.
This one boyfriend that I had is a total and complete ASS. Actually, he's a nice guy. He's a good FRIEND. However, when we were together, he was an ASS. 100% asshole. He never even seemed to want to touch me in front of other people, like he was ashamed of being with me or something. And, a couple months after HE broke up with ME, he begged me to take him back. And a week after I said no, he asked out my best friend and claimed that he really liked her.
BULL TO THE SHIT.
Since that whole incident, I haven't been able to find ONE guy in my entire school that would ACTUALLY care about me. Most guys just get girlfriends for the sex, or even to show off to their friends that they can get a hot girl. There's no such thing as a high school boy that actually CARES about the girls he dates.
Besides, there isn't ONE single guy at my school that I would even come close to liking in the slightest bit. I used to like this one guy who turned out to be a conceited asshole. Another guy (a freshman who made me feel like a cougar when I flirted with him...) was just a total flirt and never had the slightest bit of feelings for me even though he led me to believe so. Another guy who I just recently stopped liking, turned out to be the most conceited and self-centered person I've ever met in my entire life, PLUS he went to winter formal with the SAME friend who my ex-boyfriend asked out. What a life...
It's not like anyone will read this blog, I'm just saying that high school boys SUCK. I feel like I'll never get married because no guys will ever appreciate me. My dream is to get married, but I honestly think that that's not gonna happen. Great.
My freshman year of high school or sometime around that, my best friend and I decided to write a collaborative story together (since both of us were aspiring authors). I remember, we were sitting on her roof chatting about writing, and trying to come up with new story ideas, and all of a sudden we just started blabbing away about a story we could write together called "What We Don't Know About Love". The story was supposed to be about two teenage girls who were trying to deal with boys and the messed-up "relationships" that people develop in high school.
That girl and I are no longer friends. In fact, we stopped talking right around last year. She chose some other path and found new friends and simply stopped talking with me. I guess she just didn't want to be associated with me. In fact, I recently asked her why we hadn't talked in so long and she told me that there simply was no reason.
But recently I reread our WWDKAL story and it made me laugh. How in the hell could we, stupid teenage girls, possibly think we knew all the difficulties and complexities of love at the age of 14 or 15? Now that I'm almost 17 (or will be in June, anyway), I realize how stupid I was being back then.
What is love? How am I to know? Will I ever know? I'm only a teenager, and I don't think love comes easily for people my age. Perhaps the occassional serious relationship will come along for highschoolers, however I don't actually think people my age can really know what love is unless they find "the one" before graduation.
So far I've come to this conclusion: BOYS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, I'm not gonna turn all lesbian on you guys. (Even though some friends seem to "seriously think Katie might be bi" << her exact words...). I'm not in any way attracted to girls, it's just that boys make me want to scream with anger.
In my 16 1/2 years of life, I've had ONE boyfriend. While my other friend, who is almost exactly my age, has had at least six. Maybe even seven. I lost count. This confuses me, seeing as how this girl and I are EXACTLY alike in every way. We have the exact same personalities (except for the fact that she is WAY nicer than I am). In fact, we could be twins if we looked the same...and HEY!! That's when I realized it! WE DON'T LOOK THE SAME! I'm hideous compared to this girl. And that, my friends, is the reason why guys tend to be obsessive over her and seem to fear the sight of me.
This one boyfriend that I had is a total and complete ASS. Actually, he's a nice guy. He's a good FRIEND. However, when we were together, he was an ASS. 100% asshole. He never even seemed to want to touch me in front of other people, like he was ashamed of being with me or something. And, a couple months after HE broke up with ME, he begged me to take him back. And a week after I said no, he asked out my best friend and claimed that he really liked her.
BULL TO THE SHIT.
Since that whole incident, I haven't been able to find ONE guy in my entire school that would ACTUALLY care about me. Most guys just get girlfriends for the sex, or even to show off to their friends that they can get a hot girl. There's no such thing as a high school boy that actually CARES about the girls he dates.
Besides, there isn't ONE single guy at my school that I would even come close to liking in the slightest bit. I used to like this one guy who turned out to be a conceited asshole. Another guy (a freshman who made me feel like a cougar when I flirted with him...) was just a total flirt and never had the slightest bit of feelings for me even though he led me to believe so. Another guy who I just recently stopped liking, turned out to be the most conceited and self-centered person I've ever met in my entire life, PLUS he went to winter formal with the SAME friend who my ex-boyfriend asked out. What a life...
It's not like anyone will read this blog, I'm just saying that high school boys SUCK. I feel like I'll never get married because no guys will ever appreciate me. My dream is to get married, but I honestly think that that's not gonna happen. Great.
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