of course this would happen.

i'm in a horrible love/hate relationship with high school.

i admit, i love most parts of it. i love the assemblies, the football games, the crazy choir adventures, the friends, the excitement, even the drama is fun to look back and laugh at.

however, i simply can't stand some parts of high school.

today i wake up. i look in the mirror. i stare. i think "is this the face of a beautiful girl?" i look again. technically, it is. i've got the eyes, the smile, the golden hair. in most teenage girl novels, the ugly girl always envies the blonde-haired blue-eyed girl. i look again. how am i not noticed?

i look again. i realize: in modern-day high school life, i am not the pretty girl. my eyebrows aren't plucked properly. i have a few zits. my hair isn't silky enough, yet my bangs are a tad greasy. i'm not wearing makeup. i'm not wearing earrings. my lips are chapped. i could shed a few pounds, and maybe my face wouldnt be so chubby.

i open my closet. i think, "if i were getting ready for school right now, what would i pick out to wear?" i look at the clothes. i realize: there's nothing in here that would actually flatter my body type. none of the clothes in here are stylish enough. i dont have the skanky cleavage-bearing shirts or the raunchy ass-bearing shortshorts. my every day attire: jeans. a t-shirt. probably a sweatshirt since i have an incredibly low tolerance for cold temperatures. if i'm feeling daring, i'll wear a cute top. yet still, same old jeans, same old sandals.

i remind myself of chicago, when my friends insisted on helping me improve myself so that i could get noticed like i want. at the time, i had appreciated all their amazing advice. ten minutes later, it got out of control. remembering that makes me feel sick. i never want to think about that night again.

i wish to be like them, all perfect flawless features and darling clothes in all their closets. i envy their ability to do hair and makeup every single morning like its as simple as brushing your teeth. every time i try to do those things, i end up freaking out and messing it up. i recruit my mother to do it for me, and despise the job she does. i suppose neither of us were born with the hair gene.

is this what high school is supposed to be about? are all the girls supposed to be madeover skanked up bitches? i look at all my friends and realize that they are all wearing excessive amounts of make up, their hair is different every day, their clothes are fashionable and they don't wear jeans and sweatshirts every day. am i the oddball? when someone mentions me, do others think "oh yeah...THAT girl...the ugly one."

i constantly complain to my friends that i'm not pretty enough, and they yell at me and say "of course you're pretty, katie." yet they don't seem to know the definition of pretty these days.

will i ever find a guy who doesnt care that i dont wear makeup? one who doesnt care what clothes i wear or how i do my hair? won't there ever be a guy who can love me for my raw natural beauty? or better yet, the beauty underneath the skin?

i sigh and remember that nowadays there's no such thing as a decent man.